As many know our youngest son, whose is now 8, was diagnosed
with Asperger Syndrome in 2015. With this diagnosis came some relief because we
finally had a name for what was wrong with our son in the eyes of others. Our
son has violent meltdowns that have resulted in a lot of missed school time due
to suspensions. He get very anxious, needs constant routine and reassurance,
has low self-esteem and has trouble understanding and expressing his emotions.
Our fight for Caiden to receive services at school to help him began shortly
after we received the diagnosis and continues today. This is where my “Middle”
part begins.
I have been living in the dreaded feelings of anxious, worry,
sadness, fear, anger, hurt, frustration, the list can go on and on. This middle
area has not given me comfort; it has given me stress. It has not made me
laugh; it’s made me cry. This area has not made me look to the future; it’s
made me question the future and search for explanation in the past. This middle
area of not knowing if today will be the day he has a meltdown and is suspended
again. The middle is being at work and your heart jumping in your throat when
the phone rings wondering if it’s the school. The middle is dreading to answer
the phone when you see the caller id and know it’s the school calling. The
middle is frustration when you have pleaded time and time again for help and
you are met with “but he doesn’t qualify.” The middle is trying to explain the reasoning
behind his meltdowns at the same time trying to understand it in your own mind
and struggling with “am I a bad mom.” The middle is sadness when you see the
kids faces looking at your son after he has a meltdown and you have to do the “walk
of shame” out of school. The middle is hurt when your son looks at you and says
“I don’t deserve a house, a car, a school, a family because I am bad and
everyone thinks I am bad. The middle is anger when asking for something from
the school and being denied not once, not twice but over and over. The middle
is heartbreaking having to hear your son recount what happened during a
meltdown where school personnel restrained him for the 100th time
(it seems like). T
his middle area has been looming over me and my family and
its caused us great strain. We are not out of the middle’s grasp just yet. We
have so much more work to do to help our son have the rights as others do. We
have so much to prove; even though he has a diagnosis, we must prove he can’t
control himself because in the eyes of others he looks normal. No one wants to
fight for their child to be seen as someone who has something wrong with them.
However, we have to fight for this very reason just to get our son help at school.
The middle is a scary, sad, lonely place at times. Every day is a struggle for
our family. It’s a struggle that we are willing to fight so our 8 year old son
can go to school, have friends, and come home everyday feeling successful. Our
fight is to have our son be successful not only with test scores but in life,
in relationships, in faith, in love, in becoming the best person he can become.
And for this we will continue to address and fight the middle area all in the
name of “Caiden.”
